Day Two

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Today was harder than I thought it'd be. It's pretty rough, adjusting to this. I'm used to only having to be conscious of time-management while I'm at school, and since this semester was more of a transitional period than anything else, I really haven't worked at it since my last semester at UC. I found myself struggling to make time for all this while still sticking to my old routine, and it just wasn't working. I think that's my first clue that I'm going to have to switch stuff up for the next 28 days if I want to make this work. 

• Show two people how much they mean to me

(1). Baked cookies for this cutie right here.  

(2). Sent out a text to someone who meant the world to me almost four months ago; we've since drifted. I said I was sorry it didn't work, and took the blame for it. It's invigorating, owning up to something. I guess because it puts the ball back in your own court. You can't move on if you're always waiting for someone else to hand you closure. Sometimes you've gotta make your own. 

• Help out a stranger

Stopped to let a pedestrian cross in a parking lot? I know that's kinda the law, but no one ever even does it, dammit. Other than that, I didn't come into contact with any strangers today. Gotta step up my game on this one. 

• Live instead of sleeping

Yeah, not so much. This one's going to take a lot more adjusting than I'd previously thought. Tomorrow, first thing, going for a walk. It's been two weeks since I've been out in the light of day. This is not a metaphor. I am severely lacking in vitamin D.  

• Do something good for myself, by myself

Set aside fifteen minutes to clean up some of the clutter in my room. I'm starting to realize that it genuinely bums me out when I've got stuff thrown all around, but most of the time it's just this under-the-surface tension that builds until I finally break down and clean it. Creativity gets pretty clogged, too. It's rough, being home on break, because I'm basically living out of a suitcase for a month, afraid to mix my home-stuff with my school-stuff in case I forget something. Today was more of just a quick-fix--I'm planning on tearing this place apart and doing some serious organizing sometime in the next week--but it helped a little nonetheless. 

• Write here and write elsewhere

Check and check. 

• Make a conscious decision to leave my comfort zone

I'm not good with confrontation sometimes. Specifically in situations where I know that I'm already drifting from someone, and saying something could make or break whatever strings we've still got attached. Today I opted to say something, and I'm glad I did. That whole middle-ground making-small-talk thing wasn't working much for me anyway. 

• Take three pictures of three beautiful things.

(1). See above; known that lady for twenty years now, and adore her just as much as I always have. 
(2). See below. 
(3). See here: 

Owl bracelet my mom made for me. Occasionally she strays from her not-at-all-hipster design-style just to make jewelry for me. Good thing she wouldn't be caught dead wearing this. I, on the other hand, happen to absolutely love it. 

• Meditate

Check. And while I did light some candles and incense,

It was one of those nights where I really just couldn't keep thoughts from smacking against my skull. Thirty minutes in, I ditched out and did the following instead. 

• Look up at the sky 

Tonight, this one helped me more than anything else. I put on gloves and a scarf, grabbed a blanket, and went out back. Then I spent a couple minutes being frustrated with myself because I couldn't properly relax during meditation, and while I lay there, more and more resentment just started surfacing. Stupid stuff, to be honest, or things that I thought had stopped mattering. And, not going to lie, a little vexation toward my timing with this little challenge, because it's sort of mid-January and balls cold out. But after failing to clear my thoughts once again, I sort of just decided to let it be and observe the way my anger was keeping my whole body in this jaw-squared, muscles-tensed state. The resentment boiled for a grand total of two minutes before it just started ebbing away. Not as though it was being suppressed again, but as though it actually was being let go of. After that, I genuinely felt centered. I lay out back for about fifteen minutes more, and the sky was dead clear again, but I chose instead to tap into the sounds and atmospheric vibes that I hadn't noticed since I was a kid.  I'd forgotten that I could hear the train all the way from here, and that, at one point about fifteen years ago, I'd felt more at home in my treehouse than anywhere else on the face of the earth.  It was a hell of a lot more beneficial than my initial attempt at meditating, and I guess that's a good reminder that this type of stuff doesn't always need to be done conventionally; anywhere you're breathing, you can find your balance. 

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